thesis crits

yesterday was so good for me. i've never had a better crit. amanda got it right on the money. the cairns made out of my old clothes that don't fit me anymore (or that i thought would fit and just never did) are talking about who i used to be. they're the death of the person i was, the person i thought i was supposed to be. they're about saying i was here once. they're my reminder that i'm still alive. a memento mori that's also life affirming. people got it! i didn't have to sit and try to walk people through what these cairns were about. certainly some of my classmates didn't make the immediate connection, but that's either because they had never seen the symbol before or just didn't know what it meant.

for once i feel sure of myself, my abilities, my craftsmanship, my logic, my ideas. i'm finally excited about my thesis. i can imaging the next few weeks being really integral. i think, now that ideas are free flowing, i'll be able to get a lot done in a pretty short time. i have about a month before orals, so i have about four weeks to just make make make.

i'm playing with layers, history, disappointment, fear, death and rebirth. i need to make the death part more felt. i need to really emphasize the absence in the work. the absence being the thing that i'm symbolically killing and erecting a memorial to. i'm not sure if these things belong in a gallery, or if they belong on location (don't know the location yet though.) i'll find the right place. i know in my gut that i'm not going to have to fight with these things like i've fought with the eyes or my paintings and drawings. i don't want the creation of art to be a battle. i want it to be a peaceful collaboration between all the parts of my brain and my body. the zen like aspect of the 'stones', the making, the stacking, is really important. because these things are so specific i'm not having any trouble setting rules for myself.

rules are so important. i'm examining my rules and structure. where it needs to be changed i'll make them. these rules will really inform my work. my thesis is going to be really strong as long as i follow through with this. plus i'll get to use resin again and i LOVE resin!

and thanks so much to shawn for talking directly to me, not talking to the room in general. i don't think what he said would have had the same impact if he hadn't been looking right into my eyes while talking to me. his comments stood out the most (besides amanda's brilliant comment and i will love her forever for really understanding that aspect) and helped me the most. i understood what shawn was telling me and i'm really going to take it to heart. really i want to thank everyone who commented. everything that was said (even the few comments that were condescending/judgemental/totally wrong) sparked a dialog between cori and i. there was so much to digest, consider and talk about. it was so great!

clothes cairns

a cairn is used to mark a path. they're landmarks. out in the desert (and i'm sure other places too) we use these stone cairns to mark the way to good places on trails, to show the best place to ford a river or stream, to show that we've been there and sometimes just to play and be pretty. cairns are a semi-universal symbol of finding your way, marking your place. in history these conical stone piles were used to mark graves.

my cairns aren't made of stone. instead they're sewn from clothes of mine that either don't fit anymore or never fit right to begin with. i'm trying to take the viewer on a journey of the struggles i've had with my weight and with finding clothes that fit my body type. it's something that most women and a lot of men can relate to. i'm constantly trying to catch up with myself. my mental idea of who i am doesn't always fit the way i might be presented to other people.

i think these cairns are probably going to get the most reaction tomorrow in thesis. at least thats what i'm hoping for. i've stalled out mentally on my eye shapes. i don't really know for sure what they mean anymore and i'm not sure they're saying what i wanted them to mean in the first place. i don't what to completely abandon them because i do feel a connection. i might have to leave them for a couple of weeks or a month and focus on these cairns and where they might take me. maybe then i can come back to the eye shapes feeling fresh again.

i might have more little doodles from this red notebook. i'm storing my life and my thoughts in it so there's always more weirdness to dissect.