Friday, July 23, 2010


I'm stuck. I just got a promotion at work but all I can think about is how much more of my life that place is going to take up now. The monotony of my life is breaking down my moral. It's not that I'm too depressed to enjoy fun things, I'm too busy and too tired to even put together fun plans. Nothing is ever new, nothing is exciting. I go to work, I eat the same meals all the time, I do yoga, I sleep. Every once in a while I get to see a new movie. Sometimes Jon and I go out to eat, but always to the same places where we get the same things. Even my "vacations" aren't adventurous. They're always to the same places with my family.

I thrive off new experiences, learning, growing. My tank is too small so my growth has stunted. The idea of living in Massachusetts for another four years is horrifying, despite its practicality. Perhaps the reasonableness of staying is part of my revulsion. Lately all my fantasies are about moving to Costa Rica or Australia. I want to start over somewhere completely foreign. The idea of being an expat seems so romantic and exotic. I need some romance and exoticism in my life so badly it hurts. I'm caught between a painful nostalgia for things that I'll never be able to experience again and a life ahead that lives only in fantasies and daydreams. I'm not in a position right now to make extravagant plans. The only plan I have is to apply to graduate programs and earn my MFA. That's something I can accomplish and will, but while I'll be applying very soon I won't be attending until next year. That seems so infinitely far away. I need something to sustain me. I need uplifting, a boost. Change.