Mostly I post over on Tumblr so you can mosey on over there if you care to.

Stuck

I'm stuck. I just got a promotion at work but all I can think about is how much more of my life that place is going to take up now. The monotony of my life is breaking down my moral. It's not that I'm too depressed to enjoy fun things, I'm too busy and too tired to even put together fun plans. Nothing is ever new, nothing is exciting. I go to work, I eat the same meals all the time, I do yoga, I sleep. Every once in a while I get to see a new movie. Sometimes Jon and I go out to eat, but always to the same places where we get the same things. Even my "vacations" aren't adventurous. They're always to the same places with my family.

I thrive off new experiences, learning, growing. My tank is too small so my growth has stunted. The idea of living in Massachusetts for another four years is horrifying, despite its practicality. Perhaps the reasonableness of staying is part of my revulsion. Lately all my fantasies are about moving to Costa Rica or Australia. I want to start over somewhere completely foreign. The idea of being an expat seems so romantic and exotic. I need some romance and exoticism in my life so badly it hurts. I'm caught between a painful nostalgia for things that I'll never be able to experience again and a life ahead that lives only in fantasies and daydreams. I'm not in a position right now to make extravagant plans. The only plan I have is to apply to graduate programs and earn my MFA. That's something I can accomplish and will, but while I'll be applying very soon I won't be attending until next year. That seems so infinitely far away. I need something to sustain me. I need uplifting, a boost. Change.

Baby Envy

So. I work at an ice cream parlor that is also a coffee shop. It's a local chain with (soon to be) 10 stores in and around the Boston area. The location I work at is in the 'burbs and I swear to god every single person who comes in is a woman with six kids who is 12 months pregnant. I have never SEEN so many preggy laddies. They're all enormously pregnant. None of them are just showing a little bit. They're all whales. And they ALL already have at least one kid with them. They have these enormous strollers that take up the WHOLE STORE and no one can get past them to get to the register so there's always this huge line even if there are only four adults in the store because they're all pregnant and have seven kids with them. And all their kids are screaming because they wanted their ice cream to be a different COLOR or they wanted it on a CONE and because it's not neon green and on a cone it is completely inedible and they WON'T WON'T WON'T eat it no matter what! These children also just fucking love to smear their ice creamy fingers all over the windows while pressing their faces up against the glass. And I have to smile and ask them how many toppings they would like or explain gently that our mint ice cream isn't green but that doesn't make it any less minty.

I hate these children and I hate their parents who just let them scream about nothing. I also hate the parents who will just give their kids whatever they want to get them to shut up. And by this I mean they will demand that we change or fix whatever it is their kid is screaming about. Actually I think I prefer the  parents who just let their kids scream and don't give in to their bullshit. It's fucking ice cream. Just eat it. Who gives a fuck if it's on a cone or if it's not green. You'll eat it and like it.

The problem is that my uterus gives a wiggle every time I see one of these preggy women with their six kids. I want what they have. I want kids. Not six, just two. But I want them. I want to have a kid so badly that sometimes it hurts. I don't want one RIGHT NOW because we don't have any money and I'm just not ready yet. My uterus is unconvinced though. It wants babies NOW because you're not getting any younger, Cindy, and time is fucking running out!!!11

I think that what I really envy about these women is that they can clearly afford to have all these children. They can afford to stay home with their army while their husband or trust fund does all the bread winning. They are fortunate enough to be financially secure. They have enough money to squeeze out a kid or two for every year they've been married.

I, however, work as a barista in an ice cream shop for $8/hr. I have to explain to these women that yes, a small ice cream is $4 and when you get an even dozen $4 ice cream scoops you're going to have to pay a bit of money. Has anyone else in a service type job noticed that people who pay for something that's $4 with a $100 bill never tip? And they always complain about how expensive everything is? Unless that $100 is the only money you have in all the world you have no right to bitch so shut the fuck up and eat your frozen sugar milk.

Some day the boyfriend and I plan on having enough money to live comfortably with proper budgeting and such. We are both going to be significantly in debt for a good long while before that though. At this point my uterus will have gone off to greener pastures by the time our inflow of $$ > our debts.

I envy that these women can afford children. I want what they have situationally (it's a word now!), not just their status as a mother. I swear some of these "women" are my age or younger. That seems so young. I understand that 25 is only 5 years away from 30 but I still don't feel like an adult and I don't know if I ever will. I know that I'm not financially or emotionally ready to have kids.... So why are these women somehow more "adult" than I am? How is it that these women seem so much more mature than I see myself as being?

I just don't understand.

Also if you are one of these parents that brings their 11 seater stroller into a very cramped ice cream shop and then gets angry when they don't fit or people are tripping over their kids trying to pay for ice cream then fuck you. I hope you catch on fire. Not really but I hope you stub your toes a LOT. Or get paper cuts all the time. Something REALLY annoying but not at all life threatening. Your ungrateful little monsters don't deserve ice cream. I don't think I've ever heard one of these kids say "thank you mommy!" and that makes me die a little inside ever time.

Everything is now

Things that have been occupying my headspace lately:

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things

Like a social status

I just want four walls and adobe slats

For my girls

Strawberry cupcakes, strawberry butter cream. I dipped one in chocolate at work (I work in an ice cream/coffee place and we dip waffle cones in chocolate and roll them in sprinkles. I used our dipping chocolate.)

These cupcakes were the most magical things ever. The liners, when peeled away, looked like stained glass. I want to bake these again and save all the cupcake liners to dip in resin. I don't really know what I'll do from there but I want to make art out of them. They were too fantastic not to be used. 

Seriously awesome cupcake liner!

Strawberry cupcakes baked in wafer cones. The pink icing is strawberry butter cream and the blue is vanilla. The strawberry butter cream  was much more awesome than the vanilla. Vanilla is just too... Vanilla.

About to get new

I'm going to be using this blog again soon. I have some photos of yummy baked things I've made and some crochet pieces I'm working on. Hopefully  at some point I'll have some sketches and bigger sculptures to show. I'm working on a way to create the installation type things I have floating around in my head with the limited space I have available. I might have to do some guerrilla style street installations but I'm afraid of getting caught by the cops and having to explain to them why I needed to cover a sidewalk with icing/cake batter, or why I just covered that cow statue with leg warmers... I like the idea of anonymous mischief but I'm afraid of being caught and then not being so anonymous. I need an accomplice!